You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
