I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
