Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
