Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
