I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
