I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
