Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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