gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
