its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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