Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
