Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
