she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
