Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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