looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she smelled like a LAN party
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
