I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
