She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize