I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
