I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
