so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
