I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
