I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize