if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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