One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
