if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
