Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
