there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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