Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
