I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
