He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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