i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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