So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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