Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's rum buckets o'clock
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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