No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
