i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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