So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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