Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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