I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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