we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
