my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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