when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
