dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
