i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
why do cheetos always look like penises
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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