don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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