i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
