new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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