I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So squirting runs in the family.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
