Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
