ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
