Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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