did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
