I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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