It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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