I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
