oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
