Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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