I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
